Sheila M - Cochlear Volunteer

I had to write and share my "night at the lab" experience.

It was everything I thought it would be! Sticky pads and lots of wires connecting my body to a monitoring, control box. The technician ( a doctor) said she would be recording my brain waves, and the team was concerned that they might not get an accurate reading due to my cochlear implants (inner ear computers and magnetic FM receivers in my skull). They determined to go ahead with my cochlear surgeon's approval. If they only wanted to read my brain waves, I could have told them that I have reason to believe most of my wrinkled, gray matter is in my head...not in my face, under my breasts, my shoulders, or my shins!

Seems like it took forever for her to get me wired for bedtime...electrodes attached with glue to practically every inch of my face, a tiny, nasal air hose with appendages stuck up each nostril and strapped with tape tightly to my cheeks. Just for good measure, she added a few to my double chin. The technician glued 5 or 6 electrodes to my head by first squeezing a glob of glue directly on the scalp. Next thing I knew she had invaded my private space near my heart and glued 2 more electrodes - one above and one below my left breast. Just so my legs wouldn't be jealous of all the attention the rest of my body was getting, she attached a couple of sticky pads to my shins.

At this point, I thought she was almost through wiring me...she should be an electrician! No such luck! She wrapped and strapped my chest above and below my breasts and buckled them as if I wanted to lose 2 inches in my chest overnight. Finally she attached 200 long, color-coded wires to all the little glued monsters...well, okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little because I was beginning to feel traumatized...it was probably just 100 wires!!

By the time she finished and was ready to tuck me in, being a natural woman, I had to potty one more time before the lights went out in Georgia. Big mistake! She had to strap the monitoring, control box to my chest. Boy, they shouldn't put mirrors in the bathroom at a sleep lab! When I caught a glimpse of myself passing the mirror, I saw a suicide bomber staring back. Lord have mercy! If I had been wearing that costume anywhere else, I would have been arrested and put away for life! Hmmm...free room and board, 3 meals a day, gym, TV, library...would I have to pay taxes? I really, really wish I had taken my camera because it was definitely a Kodak moment!

I was allowed to take my Ambien CR pill and think I went to La La Land within 10 minutes. She warned me that I had to sleep on my back for a continuous 2-hour period or she would have to wake me and make me. Heck, how was I supposed to sleep in any other position with all that jewelry on?! I woke up 3 times, that I remember, and spoke aloud that I needed to visit the restroom. She turned on the light, strapped the suicide pack to my chest and off I went. About 5 a.m. I woke because I smelled coffee brewing...what a great scent to wake up to in the morning!

I had an exit questionnaire to fill out before leaving, and she admitted that the data she collected revealed my problem with sleeping. It will be analyzed by another physician, I will get a call, my doctor will get a call, and I have to go back for another spend-the-night party very soon!!!

Just a special note - My sleep-study doctor, Mary Cordero, went to medical school 8 years in her native Mexico and will be going to Emory next year. She wants to get into Research. She said they have a deaf patient coming to the lab soon, and she asked if they could hire me to interpret. It would be a Friday night thing. I gave her my card, so we can discuss the details,and I will have to decide if it is something appropriate for me to do. They will pay me.

Signed...Sleepless in Duluth