Nicole

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Monday night before surgery

June 01, 2009
posted by  Nicole


Okay, I don't know what to say or what to do..

 

I have never been sooo nervous about a surgery before.  I just had a hysterectomy and you would think that at my age and what not, that would bother me.  NOPE!!  I was cool as a cucumber!! 

 

This one, mmmmm, it's like I am putting behind 27 years of my life.  I mean all these what if's keep coming up in my head.  My husband said good bye to yesterday and I thought what if I never hear his voice again.  Made me cry.. 

 

I seriously am excited, but it's the unknown that is driving me nuts.  I know i have a ton to be thankful for and shouldn't even be talking about this because I know people out there hae worst problems than I do..  But this is my way of letting it out, through this blog.. 

 

I went to a wedding on Friday night, and was just taking in all the noise and really focusing on what I could and could NOT hear..  I screwed up a conversation with my brother and sister in law to be..  It was quite funny actually.  But, when you think about all the times I screwed up conversations. 

 

Saturday I went to a birthday party and couldn't hear squat there either.  It was a busy weekend with a lot of stuff going on, but I did okay..  But really am thinking a lot!! 

 

What if they screw up, what if they cut the wrong nerve, what if I get an infection, what if I never hear again, what if after all this stuff I end up hating the implant, what if I hate the noise I am going to hear, what if the recovery is worst then I expect, what if what if what if..  That is all I keep doing. 

 

I really want to have a funeral or something silly for my hearing aids.  I mean seriously, this is my whole life and am putting behind me and starting a new life.  So anyone have any ideas of what I can do???  I will probably do it after I am healed and turned on.  Right now I am scared to let them go!!  Even after surgery it will be hard to part with..  It's like my comfort blanket..  How does one coop with that change.  mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

I am thinking and thinking and thinking.

 

Okay, I am going to go do something so I can stop thinking about it!!  UGHHHHHH   but thank you everyone for all your prayers and well wishes!!!

 

Nicole

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Comments

 
SueG (blusu)

August 06, 2009

Hi Nicole, I am so relating to everything you were feeling this day. I too told my husband that I felt like I was losing somebody. I just needed to grieve the old stuff. Also about focusing on sounds, all the what if's?, but knowing that very soon it would all be water under the bridge. All those bridges ahead!
 
Linda Day

August 06, 2009

Hi Nicole... so how is it going now? Have you had your surgery yet? The morning of my surgery I was "listening" to Charlie Gibson and Diane Sawyer on GMA thinking to myself.... "wow... I can hear their voices but I can't understand a single word they are saying." My boyfriend asked me why I had tears and I told him I just didn't know if I was doing the right thing or not.... he assured me I had nothing to lose because I understood so little of what anyone said without looking at them. He was right and today we can visit from room to room or talk IN THE DARK!!! It is just amazing and you have come to the right place to find support. We've all been there and we all have a different definition of "success".... think about what you want and make sure it is realistic... I am sure you will do well! Keep us posted.
 
Harman

August 07, 2009

Hi Nicole, I understand your feelings so well.Don't feel sad about it. You will do great with your CI.I have had same kind of confusions. As Linda, I too was asking my boyfriend and my family that If i am going to make huge mistake. I don't know if i am doing right thing. I used to listen to voices,May be more loud than others do But i hardly understand any word. If you read other's experience about their surgery and CIs, you will see that how well they are doing,like a normal person. You will do very very great, But be patient for it. I myself am very very ambitious person who wants to do a lot in life.One of my CI friend told me that he is doing so well with CIs that he watched TV without closed captions,hear anythg from other room and telephone conversation very well. What else we can ask for my dear. You are in my prayers. You will do better than what you are doing right now..keep us posted..!!
 
Mark D

August 07, 2009

Hi. Trust that most of the people on here can relate all to well with what you wrote. It was a scary time for all of us. If I can help in anyway, please let me know. If you like feel free to check out my blog as there may be information there that you will find useful. Keep your help up. mark
 
Jeff N. - Cochlear Volunteer

August 10, 2009

Hi Nicole, Well, that certainly says alot - we all went through the same boat as you at one time or another. As we get older there are times when the scare factor starts to settle in a bit. I was told - I was sort of a racoon on the day of my surgery, when I sat in my hospital bed, I too had wondered if I had made the right decision as well? But, I knew I needed this for the long run. If I had turned back and went back to my previous life of living a era of hearing aids and struggling to understand the world as it is today, than, I would have in advertly failed my own wisdom. But, I decided if this doesn work, than I tried and life would be it as we know it. But, things got lucky and I really didn't know was going to happen in the long run, but, it was history in the making, literally - the rest could be told in a novel, but it was worth it, I'll say that. With 2 years in the making, life could not have been better than I had expected, hearing the world as I write this - I'm a complete hearing nut, listing to hams talk on the radio, the voice of the cast of Good Morning America and of course having a lively converstation with my high school classmates of 25 years was a joy, that couldn't have had a better place to tell the story of a lifetime, when I went to my reunion a few weeks ago. But, I'll tell you this - it was a blast, its worth it, go for it... Jeff
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